i like to think about things that make no sense and make me hurt.
i wish i could feel good enough.

 i have an issue understanding how some families just don't like each other.  i spent my thanksgiving listening to arguing.  the hunter's are just not happy people and i don't get it.  i've never been at my grandma carlino's while everyone is over and heard everyone screaming at each other.  i mean, the carlino's are really loud, but not in a negative way.  i get really upset when i'm told that i'm a hunter, 'cause i'm not mean.  i don't think that i'm better than everyone, i don't judge people, i don't say bad things about people that i don't even know.  my aunt that i'm currently living with likes to say bad things about my mom.  she also decided to start bashing my mom's boyfriend, Bruce last night.  and that made me really upset, because she doesn't know anything about him or the situation between him and my mother.  and he's so nice and he's such a good dad to my siblings and me and he doesn't even have to be.  i don't like hearing people that have taken care of me being talked about like shit.  it hurts my feelings.  and the bigger issue is, all of the hunters are like that.  they all just dislike my mom and the rest of her family and i don't understand why.  they're not bad people...but my other family has to refer to them as white trash.  i love my dad's side of the family, but i'm having a difficult time liking them.  my aunt has also just been being really mean to me lately, for reasons that i'm not sure of.  she yelled at me last night and called me a selfish bitch for talking to her while she was watching a t.v. sitcom.  i decided that that made no sense whatsoever, so the comment didn't hurt me, but the fact that it just didn't make sense and it seemed as though she was just yelling at me to hurt my feelings did hurt.  she called me a fat ass the other day and i asked her not to speak to me like that and she told me that i was an idiot and to bite her.  because of my family's actions, devin has decided that he wants to move back up north as well.  so we are both taking on second jobs after the holidays and moving to pennsylvania in the summer.  
i am happy, because i just made my last payment to walden savings bank, where i had a delinquent account.  so i can now open a bank account - finally!! - after not having one for over a year.  devin is getting a motorcycle and i'm getting a car.  he shaved his entire face yesterday.  he has a chin!!  and our 1 year anniversary is in 2 days.  there are good things.

 i guess i should update this.  things are going well - davey was here last week & that made me very happy and a lot less depressed.  less homesick, too.  devin and i have been having many conversations and we've decided that we're not going to live together after next summer.  i want to move to philadelphia, 'cause i'm hating being this far away from home & i want to live in amajor city.  and i really want to see if i can do something that big by myself.  we're not breaking up.  just being independent from each other.  we share everything and we've been living together since we started dating and it's not really doing amazing things to our relationship.  moving down here together was more to get both of us away from our mothers and away from cornwall.  things with us are better now.  i totally didn't want to be near him for a good 3 weeks and we didn't even sleep together for 2 of those weeks.  our anniversary is next month and i'm excited.  i'm also almost done paying off my bank.  one more payment and i'm done.  and i'm finally getting my own phone, so i'll have a new number in the coming weeks.  work is alright.  i hate the people that come into that place.  i hate working for corporations.  it just blows.  but it pays well for down here, so i'm sticking with it and transferring to another nordstrom in king of prussia, pa.  it's about 25 minutes from south philly, so that's about the same commute i'm making down here.  i figure it would just be easier to have a job when i get there.  although, i'm flirting with the idea of coming home at the end of june for my brothers' graduation and staying at my mom's for a month or two and getting a puppy, since i'm not entirely thrilled with living by myself and chillin' for a bit.  depends on how much money i can save up in between now and then.  i'll be home dec 23 and i can't wait.  i hate being here away from all my friends.  it sucks.  it doesn't suck as much as it did, though.  okay, i guess that's it.